What's a guy to do?

POV: Caring guy with new girlfriend.

Well, today started out like any other day. I woke up, had some coffee, took a shower, and went out for a walk to calm my nerves.
Today was not normal, however.
Today, I was to meet my girlfriend's mother.
I was too jittery from the coffee to sit and watch TV, but too anxious to take another walk. Instead, I tried to pick out my clothes to wear for the visit. Casual? Business? Business-casual? I didn't want to be seen as a bum, nor did I want to be all tuxed up and ready to go.
At 1:00pm, the doorbell rang. It was my girlfriend.
"What the hell are you doing?!" she roared, "You were supposed to meet me and Mom for lunch at 12!"
"B-But-"
"C'mon!" She growled as she dragged me out the door.
When we arrived at her mother's purple-shuttered, daisy-gardened house my shoes came untied.
First I tied the Converse, then I tied the Aldo. All gussied up...
Suddenly, the front door swung wide open with a bang! "Well, hello dears..."
Why, her mother was a nice lady! "Come in, come in," she said sweetly. My girlfriend (ignoring my choice of clothing) walked right in. All I could do was saunter in apologetically and take the proferred armchair. Mother-dear poured us all a glass of tea in flowered china (How quaint!) and seated herself across the narrow coffee table. The paisley wallpaper danced across the bungalow's walls and the neatly vacuumed yellow rugs fuzzily tantalized my shod feet.
That's when I noticed the gun rack.
Mother-dear motioned to her daughter who immediately made a B-line for the kitchen.
And that is when my hell began.
CRASH! The coffee table shook from Mother-dear's (I now noticed) hefty fists. She stared me in the eye, pointed at the gun rack, and then at a strange tattoo on her bulked up forearm- a bunch of acorns.
"This," she menacingly hissed, "is a record. All the nuts who broke her heart...? Well, I ripped out theirs! DON'T BE THE NEXT ONE!"
"Now, you walk her home, buy her an engagment ring, and treat her right...
... or else."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I woke up, I started my day like any other day...